on "Safe Spaces" and Learning

It greatly concerns me that many of my very smart, very kind, and well-meaning friends have expressed their joy at University of Chicago's announcement not to "support 'safe spaces.'" My concern is, not merely that I don't agree with this, but moreso that I believe their thinking might be rather dangerous and, frankly, backwards. I realize that many of these friends are those who attended university with me, at another prestigious institution, and likewise, tend to be well-informed and value education very highly. So, it seems to me that most people who are saying "boo, safe spaces suck" are under the assumption that trigger warnings and safe spaces are somehow an excuse to avoid the content material of a classroom or course altogether. This avoidance, of course, impedes learning and keeps people in their comfort zone without exposing them to new ideas and concepts. Of course, this type of censorship or avoidance is terrible because that's how you end up with people who are close minded and uneducated. I agree discomfort, disagreement, and discussion are necessary for learning and growth, however I would argue that learning and this type of "unpleasant" discourse is ONLY possible in safe spaces. But what really is a Safe Space, and why are they important?

What is a Safe Space?

I feel like the term has been thrown around a lot by different people in different contexts, and the term itself has been used without, perhaps, being properly understood. The term itself has become a symbol without people actually taking a look at its meaning, and frankly, it's true purpose. The article I linked from the Chicago Tribune states, that safe spaces are "designed to shelter students from certain speakers and topics." And that is really NOT the purpose, because that would be extremely problematic, but more on that on why Safe Spaces are important - for now, lets redefine what a Safe Space could, and dare I say, should* be.

For what I have seen in my work as a Counselor who works with survivors of intense, interpersonal trauma, I define a Safe Space as: a place where discomfort, fear, and trauma are recognized, brought into the open, allowed and respected. Safe spaces, as I see them, are places where people are free to express their discomfort and not be judged or belittled. It is a place where people are free to express survivorship and not be shamed or dismissed. It is a place where language is used respectfully and people are not talked at or down to, but a place where meaningful discussion can happen which stems from the different minds and experiences in the room. It is a place where disagreement can happen and where ideas are challenged and scrutinized, but people are not attacked personally. It sounds like it might be hard because people get very attached to their ideas and their opinions (I know I'm guilty of this also). But it's about making a space where people are able to hear, "well I think that logic is faulty" and not take it as a personal insult.

Of course, a person may need to step out if the room for a while if the content is too much for them to handle, but a Safe Space doesn't mean they're out of the discussion or are excused from whatever assignment may be related to it, but rather that they join again when they can, and speak with the professor or TA about best strategies and needs for moving forward in the classroom and the course as a whole.

Examples:

I was at a three-day conference where all we talked about was rape, domestic violence, human trafficking, sexual assault, racism, sexism, etc. etc. etc. and how to help our communities battle these. This could only be done by first recognizing that there were survivors of these crimes in the room. That these topics are heavy and hard and complex and icky. And that people will disagree but disagreements can be held in respect.
My own office is a Safe Space. And we sure as hell don't avoid talking about scary, triggering things in there. It's a space where the client is asked to and allowed to face and process their experiences of violence, their reactions to those experiences, and to learn from them.

So why are they important?

Safe Spaces are super important so that we can break the silence about horrors like Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, Human Trafficking, Child Abuse, War, Rape, Dating Violence, Animal Poaching, Environmental Destruction, Racism, Sexism, Oppression, Ableism, etc., etc., etc. Because these are not issues that will go away by remaining ignorant or silent about them. The more we can teach others at whatever age why and how these societal issues exist, and what we can do to help prevent them, the better life might be for everyone. And because these topics aren't scary just for the people who have survived them. The thought that people do bad things in the world, or that we aren't a perfect society, is something that's very hard to come to terms with, even for, and maybe especially for, people who have never experienced these things. If I, or we -- as community members, as a society -- want people to learn about the world in all its beauty and its horrors, Safe Spaces should* be a place where triggering topics are not avoided, but, really, where they can be brought to light.

Frankly, anyone who says that a "Safe Space" is to shelter individuals is using the term really problematically. Not only is it really unhealthy to avoid or ignore triggering topics, but even if you tried to have a "[Problematic] Safe Space" where you can only talk about unicorns and rainbows, you might find someone for whom rainbows are a trigger or consistently has nightmares about being impaled by unicorns. (another example -- I know of a story where a practitioner tried to do a relaxing exercise for their group, they put on a recording of a campfire crackling. One of the participants recently had their home burn down so the recording did the opposite of helping her relax.) As polite as I like to be with people to coddle fragile egos, this view of safe spaces is simply wrong and simply unproductive.

Trigger Warnings

Likewise, Trigger Warnings are not to tell people "don't come to class if you can't handle our next discussion," it's to provide people with the chance to prepare themselves mentally and to help enrich the discussion, not to impede or prevent it. Not only is throwing a student into a panic attack unprepared in the middle of class damaging to that student, it disrupts the entire class as well. A student who is given a trigger warning and is able to prepare could:

1. tell the professor that they may be triggered and:
   • plan ahead to sit closer to the door to quietly excuse themselves for a while until they feel calm again to prevent a full-blown trauma/anxiety reaction (or panic attack).
   • get permission to bring in water or snacks that might otherwise not be allowed, if this helps the person cope
   • get permission to bring in other coping mechanisms, such as doodling or coloring to help the student remain grounded and engaged in the classroom.
   • anyone who says "the professor shouldn't have to give any individual student this level of attention" has extremely low standards for education, but that is something outside of this topic.
2. ask their therapist for safety planning tips, or other calming mechanisms

Because one cannot learn while having a panic attack. One cannot learn while dissociated. One cannot learn while resenting the rest of the members of the discussion for having a different opinion. One cannot learn if they do not feel safe and respected. Because, yes, learning comes from discomfort. But discomfort that is not held in safety is simply destructive. Discomfort is essential to learning, yes, but discomfort without safety only leads to dissociation/disconnection, and/or other defensiveness. Alliterations aside, if an academic space truly exists to promote learning, then safe spaces should be a fundamental requirement, not something they choose to support or not.

Whether or not there are enough spaces in our fair country that are ready to truly call themselves Safe Spaces.... well, there's a lot of work to do.

Notes:

Dissociation/Disconnection
Dissociation can come in many forms, from the more severe and chronic which could be categorized as "disorders" to smaller episodes which might happen from time to time. For someone who has experienced trauma (directly or vicariously), it is quite common to dissociate, or basically, shut down, when triggers come up. This doesn't have to be panic-attack-like symptoms, but in a classroom setting, can look a lot like not paying attention, or not being able to focus (visually or mentally). Disconnection, I write separately though it refers to relatively the same thing in this context, however there are ways that students may disconnect with the materials and classroom in ways that are not quite the same as dissociation. For example, younger children who have different coping mechanisms (and/or haven't been beaten down by the expected norms of society), may dissociate, but they may also "act out", speaking over the teacher, or otherwise being "uncooperative" or "unruly" because something happened that made them remember something scary they're trying to forget.

Defensiveness
Defensiveness, in the very most basic sense, is when someone tries to, well, defend themselves. But from what? For one, we see "defensiveness" very often as people making excuses for what they said, or otherwise fending off "personal attacks" that can be emotional or intellectual. But I'm also referring to being in a state of trying to "defend" or "keep safe" one's mental well being which is not so often how we use the term. Trying to tease apart the two, the former type of "defensiveness" happens more often when someone hears something that they disagree with, basically when something in their world view is challenged. The latter can also happen when there's a trigger for trauma present and I think encompasses the experiences of dissociation and disconnection. However, they both stem from the same instinct - to protect oneself and one's world (physically, mentally, socially).

*"should" is a very dangerous word that I try to avoid to prevent imposing my beliefs and thoughts on others, but lets be real here, I'm writing something to try and persuade people about what I think Safe Spaces should look like, so I'm gonna say this is what they should look like.

on Pinterest and Wedding Planning

So after 4-5-ish months of wedding planning and looking for inspiration for my wedding on Pinterest, I have found several things that really frustrate me about the site, so I've decided to write this post to pop the Pinterest perceptions that I and other users may have gotten while looking through the site.

Don't get me wrong, I love Pinterest. It's given me some great ideas, a good image of what I want, and links to multiple DIY tutorials. But that's precisely what my problem with it is.  To be more specific, I have a few bones to pick with Pinterest: its ethnocentric focus on the privileged; its planner-centric point of view; and shameless, rampant "musterbation".  So the first third of this rant will be more focused on social-justice/equality concerns while the latter two will address more the practical aspects of wedding planning, though it is all tied together, really.

Before I elaborate on these concerns I have, I want to recognize that, of course, Pinterest content is created by the people who use it, so it is more a reflection of what everyone else on Twitter is doing (including myself) and not the site itself.  But it's hard to type "Pinterest users" or "everyone on Pinterest" every time, so of course, the site as a whole shall be used to reference its content and users.  Of course, Pinterest is a powerful tool for business big and small to advertise their services/products, so content and the way it is displayed/filtered may also be impacted by corporate agendas, but I'll pick that apart as I get to it.

Pinterest for the Privleged

Going in order, I will start with my concern about what I consider as Pinterest's "ethnocentric focus on the privileged."  What exactly do I mean by that?  Well, this is actually half Pinterest's coding (I think) and half its users... Because Pinterest, itself, has the "Wedding" section/filter - and if you go there, you'll see a lot of what you expect to see when looking up weddings.  The traditional white gowns, bridesmaid dresses, shoes, cakes flowers, place-settings, invitation designs, and mason jars (oh god, mason jars).  Before I roll my eyes more at mason jars, I'll ask you to look closer at what else we see in the "weddings" section?  Well, a female bride and a male groom, (usually white, or at least same-race) in some sort of quaint rustic or big city setting, and a whole lot of things that cost a whole lot of money!  So who's being targeted here?  The "typical/traditional" couple - heterosexual, rich/well-off, white couple. 

Now, the "heterosexual" piece, of course, resonates the issue with society at large, and I'm always very happy to see the very-rare LGBTQ wedding photo pop up in my browse through the Wedding section, but I am very so unhappy about how rare it is.  With same-sex marriages being legalized in more states, now, I hope that this is something that will increase in the future.

It also makes me sad that Pinterest doesn't present more cultural diversity in the wedding section.  While this, again, is in part due to a larger (world-wide) interest in the traditional western-style wedding, I feel like perpetuating that that's how a wedding "should be" (oh no, digressing to "musterbations"!) by filtering out other cultures from the wedding board is definitely not helpful to keeping multiple cultural traditions.  I mean, if we wanted to truly be a melting pot as America should be proud for, couldn't we see "American weddings" borrow more traditions from other cultures, rather than the other way around?  That is I know it is extremely popular to have a white western-style wedding gown as part of your ceremony in China now - my cousin who is Chinese and was married in China to a Chinese husband with all our Chinese family around was taking from this Western style, and it's not just her, many ladies in China do.  However, many Chinese girls in America, might go strictly for a Western-style wedding.  I admit I might be guilty of this myself when next year rolls around, (we're still planning), but honestly, since I've never planned a wedding before, and I'm getting most all my inspiration from Pinterest, naturally, that's all I've been exposed to - Western wedding traditions!  A potential photographer I was talking to asked if I would be doing any traditional Chinese games during the reception and named some examples.  "What are those?" I had to ask - I had no idea, they weren't on Pinterest's main wedding board!  I've seen "The Shoe Game" which was an idea I entertained in my head until I realized half my guests wouldn't understand what was being said, and that it would take twice as long if I tried to have my mother translate everything.  Pinterest had provided me a great idea that I couldn't use for my culturally (and linguistically) diverse group (something that I will discuss further in the planner-centric point of view).

Now, it's not like Pinterest only has the traditionally Western wedding posts.  Sometimes cultural diversity leaks through the filters and you'll see gorgeous Indian wedding attire, or a groom in a kilt, but for the most part, you won't find that unless you specifically type to search for "Indian wedding."  Now of course, you can blame me for not doing my own research, outside Pinterest for more cultural things, but that's not my point, because I did look up "Traditional Chinese Weddings" and "Chinese Wedding Traditions" and was bombarded by a good number of primarily red - instead of white - posts.  So I know that Pinterest is not being used solely by Caucasian, heterosexual, western, people and that more cultural diversity does exist. But that's certainly what the Wedding board shows or suggests.

A simple search for "Wedding Dress" --
the mannequin is black, does that count?

For the last note of the "Caucasian"/White part, I will post the full screenshot of what I used for the title screen to the left. Think this is, again, an issue of society at large, as most of the models you see for wedding related things (Photography, Dresses/Tuxes, etc.) are thin and white, but we know they're not the only ones getting married.  Hair styles and makeup is another good point for this.  I pinned several eye makeup tutorials and when I went to try them out, I realized that they don't work for me as well because my eyelids are different!  I tried searching for "asian eye-makeup tutorials" and got a few better results, but really, do I have to go out of my way to search for something that suits me?  Why isn't there a better mix?  And hair - my hair is only vaguely different from the hair that the blonde or brunette models have that are featured in every, "OMG I must have this hairstyle for my wedding!" post.  Only once in the 4-some months I've been looking through Pinterest's Wedding board did I see one "fabulous ways to wear your hair on your wedding day for black women!" Not that it applies to me, but I was taken aback by it (which in itself surprised me) since I hadn't seen any posts like it before!  I mean really - I shouldn't have to be surprised by that - it shouldn't be that rare!  And you'll notice I put race/skin-tone and cultural diversity as separate, because I do recognize that not all "white" people have the same heritage or traditions, but it does speak to the standard of beauty we have that the large majority of these models we see for dresses are thin, and fair skinned, and the "rest of us" need to go out of our way to find something like "the rest of us."

Money.  You really can't talk about weddings without talking about money. One of my favorite posts was one where the description read something like, "This is a great resource on how to save money on your wedding with tons of affordable price-cutting tips!"  Naturally, I clicked on the link to check out these price-cutting tips and was lead to a page to buy a book of tips on how to budget your wedding for some non-trivial sum of money.  HA.  Thanks guys, that was a great laugh.  Now, really, how can I save money on this?  So many pins on Pinterest are really not terribly affordable when you add them all up - even the "cheap DIY that will look just like professionally made" things are either not that money-saving, or not that good looking. (Oh my gosh, parenthetical side note, if people on Etsy can charge as much as they do for their ugly, generic, bad-font-choice Save the Date and Invitation designs, I could make so much more with my skills - I mean really, I'm not trying to be a snob, but when other people sell their crap for those prices, how can I not be snobby!?)  As an example, I was looking up the cost of materials for making my own centerpieces this past week, and the price of everything added up, in the amount I would need, comes out to about 50% of what the florist quoted me for the centerpieces alone, but that doesn't include the flowers I wanted (real or fake).  But then of course, I would still need the florist for the live-flower bouquets and their quote includes a $300 charge for delivery and set-up, so by making my own centerpieces, that $300 worth less.

Now people on Pinterest often suggest using mason jars as a 'cheap' alternative to vases, cups, candle holders, aisle edgers, anything and everything else you could think of! (I put cheap in quotes because then people get into personalized mason jars, and, lets face it, that can't be really much cheaper than a dollar-store vase, can it?) And of course, there's the whole idea, "If you don't like it, just ignore it, if you do like it, feel free to use it without feeling pressured by the fact that they're so overused."  But it's so hard to ignore something that keeps coming up, and since I'm trying to use Pinterest to find a variety of different ideas, seeing mason jars over and over again is just really starting to grind my gears.

And really, if you DO want to save on money, Pinterest actually probably isn't the best place to look, because it has made me think of a huge number of things that I must have at my wedding ("musterbation" comes later! Tangents!) that I, well, don't need, and that no one will really remember!  That is something that comes from the planner-centric point of view that Pinterest has.  WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?  It means that Pinterest pins are really only looking to advertise to the person planning the wedding... Well, duh? of course you want to tell the person planning the wedding what to expect!  But... no.  Not really.  The best, and only, post I have seen that goes against this mentality is the one that pops up every now and then: "Top 10 complaints guests have about weddings they attend" (or something like that, my wording may be off.)  But yeah - while a wedding may be "YOUR BIG DAY" the majority of people there will be guests, more specifically, guests that you, hopefully, care about.  So even though there's all this talk about "do what you want"
keep in mind that you are doing this in part for your guests (or else why would you be inviting them?).

So when you get stressed trying to decide between a colored mason jar or a personalized mason jar - try thinking of things from a guest's point of view.  That really calmed down my planning (maybe it will make things more stressful for some), but I will delve, again, into an example: I was freaking out about chairs.  There are some pins on Pinterest for adorable, elegant, classy but expensive ways to decorate your ceremony and/or reception chairs.  I called my sister who had her wedding a couple of years ago and she asked me simply: "what did the chairs at my wedding look like?"  I thought for a few seconds.  "I don't remember."  She asked back, "what do you remember about the wedding?"  And that really helped me to focus my perspective.  Now, of course, you can't guess exactly what details your guests are going to pick up on, but I'm a very detail-oriented person, and I couldn't remember even what her centerpieces looked like until I went back through the photos (the one reason why I do want to invest in centerpieces, otherwise I wouldn't care).  But just remember, the origin of many pins is really to get you to spend money - money you don't need to spend - on things that people may not notice or remember. 

The other problem I have been seeing with this "planner-centric" view means that it is also almost entirely directed at women.  If I were a man trying to plan a same-sex wedding, or even a hetero-sexual groom looking to help out my bride, Pinterest would be extremely frustrating for me.  There's also the perpetuation of (potentially dangerous) societal norms through Pinterest.  Guides for women on "how to be the best housewife ever" and "everything a wife must do to respect her husband."  So things like the former - okay, I guess, if that's what you want to do, all the power to you.  Caring for someone, a home, oneself, and eventually maybe a baby is hard work, I can respect that, but when it's paired with some of the "must" and "should" vocabulary that I will discuss momentarily, it gets a little dangerous.  The latter really scares me - the posts that talk about how husbands must be respected by their wives, and how wives must do certain things to show respect... I mean... again, that sounds okay, but what scares me is the fact that you don't see the other - guides about how to be a respectable housewife, or how to make sure your husband respects you too. Again, this is something where other things (in this case, posts about husbands respecting their wives) do exist on Pinterest, but they don't come up in the "Wedding Planning" section.

"YOU MUST, YOU MUST, YOU MUST!" -- Rarity

So, again, this all boils down to the rampant "musterbation" of Pinterest users.  "Musterbation" is a term that shows that we psychologists do have a sense of humor!  It was coined by Albert Ellis referring to, as described by UrbanDictionary.com "the tendency to think that certain things 'must' occur or 'must' be done." Cute, huh?  So how is Pinterest guilty of "musterbating" in the sense of wedding planning?  So many - too many - posts on Pinterest are written to effect of: "every bride must have this for her wedding day!" "I must must must have this!" "25 things you will regret doing if you forget this on your wedding day!" It's really, again, dangerous.  I realize that anyone who does blindly listen to an image-board site is probably not going to get far in life really, so who would do that? But honestly, if you're trying to plan your wedding to be realistic, Pinterest can be a little bit problematic. 

All In All...

Soooooooooooooo... the takeaway message?  Pinterest is great for inspiration, but be mindful of what you really want, who your guests will be, and really there is nothing you must do on your wedding other than get married (which might not even require a wedding at all, so...). Other resources like Off Beat Bride and When Geeks Wed for more, creative, non-traditional ideas.  Also, yeah, don't buy a book that tells you how to save money because that's not saving money...

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some pins to browse through.

on Unemployment, Wedding Planning, and Time Management

For the past couple of years, while in my graduate school program, I was often overwhelmed with what little time I had to do all the things I needed to do.  There was always the "I have work and homework and studying to do" excuse for not doing some of the things that might need to be done, or that I might want to do, so it was easy to push aside low-priority projects and concentrate on the immediate (school related) ones.

After graduating, it seems as if I have all the time in the world to do what I want. Well, now that I'm not working or studying, I should have plenty of time to...

• find a job
• plan the wedding
• visit family
• catch up with friends
• volunteer
• run and get in shape
• learn/re-learn Chinese, Japanese, and/or Spanish
• blog more
• catch up on video games
• get to pro level in League of Legends
• draw and paint more
• catch up on sleep
• cook
• be sane

 Well... all of these take quite a bit of time, and it seems like, within a day, I haven't been able to do nearly as many of these as I like.  And now, there's really no excuse for why things wouldn't be done - after all, there's no need to study or do homework or write papers, I have all the time in the world, why can't I get things done?

Of course, there has been a lot of wedding-planning and (fruitless) job-finding, but none of the family-visiting, definitely very little (evidently) blogging.  I volunteer twice a week (soon to be once a week as the agency I volunteer for is getting their interns to work for the fall now), but I haven't been able to get into the habit of exercising everyday, so I'm not getting in shape.  And of course, trying to do all of these while staying at home almost all day every day (except for volunteering days) makes it hard to stay sane (well, that's what going out and running and exercising should be for, really).

I try and space my time out for wedding planning, but it's difficult when you have a particular plan for the day and someone decides to call and ruin your whole plan.  For example, today was supposed to be spent researching florists and setting up appointments with them.  But then, the sales manager from the hotel next to our wedding venue calls to give me the specs on booking a block of rooms with them.  So I feel the need to switch gears and check how many people will need accommodations as they'd be coming from out-of-town, and then of course, since I don't actually have a good number, I feel the need to work on Save The Dates so I can ask friends if they think they could make it or not and then, of course, the wedding website address needs to be on the Save The Dates so I feel the need to work on that, and at the end of the day (and this very run-on sentence), nothing really gets done at all.  Just one e-mail goes out saying, "I'll discuss this information with my fiancee and get back to in a couple of weeks."

All in all, it seems as if having time is just as overwhelming as not having it.

on Wedding Venue Visits

Wedding planning is hard... especially since you only do it once (hopefully).  Visiting potential venues is both easier and harder than I imagined.  It's easier in that, making appointments isn't really a hassle, and the personnel are very friendly and generally helpful - kind of.  It's hard in that you have to remember that they're on an agenda of trying to win your business while they're wowing you with all the best-looking places of their space (including hand-painted bathroom fixtures) and reasons why they're the best place in town.  Despite helpful guides of what to ask venues, there's still much more to a venue visit than keeping track of the questions you need to have answered.  After my first visit to two potential venues, here are my reminders/tips to myself for future visits, and for others who might be wondering what to do the first time you go to see a place.  Some of these might be silly, and others might seem common-sensey, but somehow they're easy to forget when you're marveling at the hand-painted roses on a toilet.

1. EAT FIRST - It's hard to think straight on an empty stomach, especially if the venue is going to start advertising its catering business (if you're going to have a separate catering business, this might apply less).  We went on empty stomachs, so when the venue showed us its very lengthy and formidable menu items, Mr. Hubby-to-Be instantly fell in love with the first place, or the sound of it, just at the mention of food.  After we got a little lunch in us afterwards, we were able to weigh other aspects of the site in addition to its menu, but before then, we were thinking with our stomachs, not our hearts or our brains. Food is very important to me us, so thinking with our stomachs might not be all that bad, but is definitely something we want to avoid.  Mr. Hubby-to-Be, also, decided not to look at the menu for the second potential venue until later in order to avoid the problem altogether.


2. ACCEPT ANY COMPLIMENTARY SERVICE - This only happened at the first venue we went to, but was a major selling point of the place for me.  The sales director, before we sat down to discuss the pricing, offered us something to drink.  I was a little thrown off by the offer and couldn't think of what I might want, so I just asked for water, and Mr. Man insisted he didn't need anything.  It was only after the server brought the water that I realized how helpful it was to have seen them actually bring me a drink - because they way they treat you now is (supposedly) indicative of how they will treat your guests.  I was very happy with the way that even a simple water came with a selection of lime or lemon wedges and the server asked very professionally if I would like either, and took a set of tongs to place my choice gently into the water, before gently setting the glass in front of me.  So yes, if you are offered a drink or snack, do accept, because you get a chance to see the staff's manners, and dress; the way you feel when being served by them is the experience your guests would be having as well.


3. BRING SOMETHING TO TAKE NOTES ON - You get told things, you observe things, and everything can happen pretty fast.  Prices, linen colors available, minimums, maximums, timelines, outlines, thoughts, feelings, annoyances - if you're like me, it can be very overwhelming and then quite difficult to remember everything that happens at once.  You'll want to take the time to slow down and process everything.  What did you like? What didn't you like?  What of the dislikes can be overlooked?  What did you like that you can't live without?  Logistically, what works?  Don't be pressured by the sales person's pace.  Ask questions and re-ask if you need to, and then write answers down so you remember it later when you're trying to compare and pick a venue.  One venue gave us a sheet of prices and food right up front, which helped for note-taking, but another merely gave a pamphlet with no writing space. So I included in my bible binder of wedding-planning, a notebook of lined paper.  I'm thinking of three different ways to take notes:
   • Make a worksheet of all the questions you have for a venue, then fill in the blanks.
   • Make a sheet with Pros/Cons, Likes/Dislikes columns, and fill them in as you see the place.
   • Use a blank sheet of paper, write like you're taking notes in class, and try to make sense of it later...
   So, I like the first one most, but that leads me to another problem I had at my first visit where I got too stuck on the list of questions I felt like I was supposed to ask. 


4. GO IN WITH AN OPEN MIND, DON'T GET TOO STUCK ON A LIST OF QUESTIONS - I got kind of scared by the whole "What's included in the fees?" question, specifically, for some reason, linens.  I think I asked our sales director at the first venue around 3 times if linens were included in the price he was giving.  He must think I'm obsessed with tablecloths.  It was in part because I was nervous and couldn't quite remember what else was on THE LIST to ask, but remember to get the person's contact info (business card will usually be distributed, probably) so you can ask questions later if something comes up.


5. ASK IF THE DRESSING ROOMS ARE AVAILABLE TO SEE - I totally didn't realize that a venue would be showing itself off with events almost-underway.  This provided a good opportunity to understand what the rooms look like when set up (although there are pictures online, it's good to get the sense of what it's like in person), however it also made it so some areas were off limits for viewing.  In the first venue visit, it was nice to see what the dressing room was like.  Even though it's a small detail, it's still an important part of the big day: there will be pictures taken in the dressing room, you want to be sure it will fit all your bridesmaids and helpers, and you want to be comfortable while you're getting ready.  And you never know, there might be hand-painted toilets. 


6. KEEP IN MIND WHAT YOU WANT - While it is good to keep an open mind, if you have a specific image in mind, like I do, don't be swayed by their hand-painted bathroom fixtures into sacrificing the look-and-feel you wanted.  The venue we saw so far was certainly pretty and fancy, but the walls and pillars overall are a little dark in color (black/gold coloring) for what I had in mind (with potentially using khaki suits/vests on the dudes, I didn't expect to have much black at the wedding at all). Basically, don't try and fit a square peg into a round hole - if you have something you want, don't try and mash your image into a setting that doesn't fit it. 

on Beginning Steps of Planning a Unique Wedding

I'm finding it incredibly hard to plan a "unique" wedding when there are so many wedding that have been done already, and most inspiration ultimately comes from things people have done already...

However, I have had a color scheme set in my mind for several years already (pink, orange, and green) and have within the past month since the engagement come up with the idea that I would like it to be more or less a blend of modern & classic with both Asian and Western feels... since that's ultimately what my hubby-to-be and I are: totally contradictory and confusing people (well, okay not exactly, but... more to the point...). I've decided that I want bamboo to be a central decor motif in the wedding and the source of natural, Asian-y green with bright pinks and oranges (flowers, ribbons, and other possible accents) to fill the modern, Western part. 

So the second problem here is that inspiration for my vision is coming from tidbits of art and my life Honestly, my first inkling to use bamboo was when I was freaking out about wedding planning while in the shower and noticed my bamboo shower curtain went really well with the leftover caps of Herbal Essences shampoo/conditioner bottles that have piled up in my bottle-graveyard.

Looking up "Bamboo Weddings" or wedding with my desired color scheme doesn't give me a really good sense of how to blend the two together, especially because I already have something in mind, but I still couldn't really solidify what I want as the look-and-feel of this. And yes, I may be going about this backwards, as I haven't chosen a venue yet, and I realize the venue may play a big part in affecting the look-and-feel of the wedding... which is perhaps why I want to have a solid sense of the aesthetics I want myself, before I start trying to explain it to someone else... But it would be easier to show others, rather than explain it, certainly, but that's where my dilemma lies, because no such pictures of what I'm looking for exist...

This is where my genius, brilliant art skills come in... or not. As I haven't lifted my paintbrush for 6 or so years (the last picture I painted was actually a present for my Hubby-to-Be on his birthday, about 6 years ago). So I'm not very confident in my drawing skills as of late, but I still got the Photoshop & "other design" skills, so I started messing around with fonts... And I created this header (I suppose you could call it our "wedding logo" though I don't really like that name) that will be appearing on our stationery items!  Using 5 different fonts*, I was finally happy enough with the general mix of simplicity, fanciness, modernism, and classiness (as a designer, I hate telling others to make contradicting designs, but I have no problems subjecting myself to this torture). Now that I had something in mind, I pressed my watercolor paper up against the screen and began to trace!

*Van den Velde Script for the capital C, Respective for the capital K, Montez for the Asian-feel lowercase letters, Precious for the ampersand, Respective Swashes for the extra flourishes off of each letter which had to be carefully planned and placed.

This is a bad/amazing trick I've been using for years to save paper and fake scripting/handwriting skills.)  Though I wasn't 100% satisfied with some of the curves, and thickness of the design (I will have to re-vector the logo when I need it for print use), so I only did a general tracing to get the sizing of the letters and curves as I had designed them. After working out the letters as I really wanted them with pencil, I painted the bamboo in, and then the ampersand, and finally the lettering (of course, lighter background items before darker foreground items).

This is now the cover of my wedding planning binder I will cart with me to any planning activity (venue visits, florist trips, etc.) so that I can easily present what has been in my head without using the contradictory terms that have been fighting with each other inside my mind.

For the inside of my binder, I'm using this guide I found on Pinterest for content.  She has some really great links to print-outs and an outline on how to stay organized, and what kinds of things you will need to consider - super useful.

Unlike her, however, I bought all my materials at K-Mart, and am using my on means of fancy-ing and personalizing the binder (I'm not too into the glitzy shimmery binder she's got there).  The binder, as you can see, is one with the clear plastic so you can put in your own paper/image into the front. 

The separator-tabs I bought came as a set of 5 (I had to buy two sets), and then I proceeded to cut each tab in half so that all 10 would be readily visible at first glance (using a nail-clipper is really handy to round out edges).  I made a mistake in lettering my tabs, however. I did have the foresight to understand that it would be impossible to write on nail polish (well, not impossible, but much harder, and definitely not erasable), but I didn't realize that $2 nail polish will make Sharpie on smooth surface run.  So I started by using pencil to get the letters to fit on the label right before using anything permanent (I also wanted the capital letters to be as fancy as the cover's) and went over them with a Sharpie for the dark black and for the permanence. Then I proceeded to erase the underlying pencil (lightly), and go over the tabs with nail polish in the accent colors I want. I got through the first two tabs before I realized the running/smudging was out of hand, so I decided to put scotch tape over the lettering before I proceeded with the rest of the nail polish.

on Sore Throats and a Solution for Them

So, I've been sick for about three weeks now. It's really quite enraging, as just a month ago, I had just gotten over a cough that had been with me for at least three weeks before then. So, I was healthy for about a week before I made myself sick again stressing over wedding plans. Maybe I wasn't actually better for that week and just pretended to be while my parents were in town for graduation - even so, I wish I could pretend to be healthy a lot more often.

Regardless, a sore throat is always the first and last thing to hit me, illness-wise. It was particularly bad last week when swallowing was just about the most painful thing in the world, but still unfortunately necessary for me to survive. Eating is kind of a pain when you're sick. Throat Coat or Throat Comfort Teas only went so far to relieve the pain, and it was still difficult to swallow that itself. Cough drops didn't work very well either - while they cleared my sinuses at first, it didn't relieve the pain in the back of my throat, and eating too many of them gives me socially unspeakable bowel movements.

After sustaining myself on Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup and ordered-in noodle soups (with no pots large enough to actually cook myself a legit soup), I finally mustered up the strength to go outside and buy some supplies (funny how that coincides with a day that has nice weather). Note, the Hubby-to-Be was also sick for about a week because I inevitably got him sick, so he was miserable with me for a while, and also unable to procure these supplies. (I am a little upset about the fact that I was sick before he was, and I am still not recovered while he is. Sad face.)

The first things I decided to buy was a lemon, cinnamon sticks, and I would've bought honey and ginger, but we have a little pre-made honey-ginger tea thing at home. Ignore the fact that the Honey-Ginger tea mix is supposedly expired... The Korean Honey-Ginger tea is basically like ginger preserved in globs of honey - it has the consistency of jelly or jam, and I keep it in the refrigerator so the expiration date is kind of unnecessary. At the very least, it wasn't moldy, so we're all good. :)

What I used for my Honey Ginger Lemon Cinnamon Tea.

To make my happy throat-potion, as I call it:

• Boil some water in a small saucepan
• Add 1-2 cinnamon sticks
• Stir in some spoonfuls of the ginger-honey.
  If you're using plain honey and ginger, slice the ginger into thin flakes.
• Squeeze lemon juice in (about 1/2 - 1 lemon's worth)
  I also cut a few slices of lemon (pre-squeezed) off to put in to the pot as it boiled (also for eating later, as honeyed lemon slices are delicious)

 All ingredients are added to taste, so I don't have precise measurements. If it's too watery, you can let it boil off some, or if it's too strong, water can be added to tone it down. Boil until it suits your tastes and then ladle into a cup for your drinking pleasure! I also let it sit overnight in the fridge (made more than I could drink in one day) and it's also really good cold, if it's a hot day out, it still feels really soothing, and I feel like it's easier to breathe because of the spices.

EDIT/ADDITION:  So I just made this again, but made it super concentrated (much less water), and mixed the resulting "syrup" with seltzer water and made myself a fizzy, throat-soothing soda!


It's sweet, sour, and spicy all at once, and really soothing for the throat. If you don't like ginger, or don't want it too spicy, regular honey would work instead of the ginger-honey. I definitely need to make this earlier on in my times of sore-throat woes.

on the Toilet Seat...

As a lady, I have heard it said that I should teach my man that the toilet seat should be left down. I say to that:

"NO."

As a person - a practical person - I will always argue that the toilet cover should be closed, should a toilet cover exist, at all times when not in use. This is the most practical, egalitarian state of the toilet.

When the toilet is left uncovered (regardless of the position of the seat), there's always the possibility of something falling into the toilet bowl - something I actually had problems with as a clumsy child. Even if the toilet has been flushed and untouched for the day, knocking your toothbrush off the counter with your elbow into the seat-down, cover-up toilet bowl makes you never want to use the toothbrush again. No one should have to suffer that travesty.

Also, with the cover closed, both male and female occupants will have to lift something up to do their business (and usually, the cover and seat can be lifted in one single motion). Yay, equality!

When finished with one's business at the can, the cover should be closed before flushing because, apparently, spray from a toilet's fush can carry fecal particles up to 6 feet away (and land on things like your toothbrushes). Gross. Close that toilet cover.

In some cases, still, the toilet cover does not exist, or it is not practical to keep it closed. For example, parties where people are generally inebriated to some degree and may or may not be capable of distinguishing between different states of the toilet. I often attend gatherings where I am one of fewer females and most of the dudes are drunk. In this case, if I find the toilet seat left up, I will put it down, do my business, and return it to the state I found it in. I'm a big girl - I can move the toilet-contraption-things too! Wouldn't you much rather worry about just putting the toilet seat down, then having to mop up the miss-aimed piss of an inebriated buddy (or stranger, depending on the party)? Note this person with bad aim might even be female! Because, lets face it, if a girl's too drunk to notice the toilet seat is up, she probably wasn't going to be very neat about her business anyway. (this is something that always surprises me about public female bathrooms - I don't know how some of us miss, but I guess we manage to!) Might as well let her fall in as concequences of her own actions, rather than let her make you clean up after her own irresponsibility!

Any woman who expects that the man should "rightfully" remember to leave the seat down for her is just asking for trouble in a relationship. We are strong enough to lift and lower the toilet seat (and the cover) on our own, and having the cover down is, regardless, the most sensible state of the toilet.